Enter search terms and press Return

close

Welcome to the Center for Relational Recovery

Each week we publish a new blog post covering topics related to addiction, betrayal trauma, relationships, and recovery. Included in these posts are a monthly reading recommendation spotlighting two books that we think should not be missed as well as a post pointing you to helpful recovery resources and information.

Sign up below to receive CRR’s weekly blog post.

  • Each week we publish a new blog post covering topics related to addiction, betrayal trauma, relationships, and recovery. Included in these posts are a monthly reading recommendation spotlighting two books that we think should not be missed as well as a post pointing you to helpful recovery resources and information.

    Sign up below to receive CRR’s weekly blog post.

  • Hidden
  • Hidden
    MM slash DD slash YYYY

If you do not receive the confirmation message within a few minutes of signing up, please check your Spam folder just in case the confirmation email got delivered there instead of your inbox. If so, select the confirmation message and click Not Spam, which will allow future messages to get through.

close

Center for Relational Recovery

Contact Us Today
  • Who We Are
    • Clinical Team
  • What We Treat
  • Braving Hope™
  • Intensives
  • Disclosure Prep
    • Disclosure Prep Couples Workshop
    • Disclosure Prep Clinical Resources
    • My Account
  • Workshops
    • My Account
  • Resources
    • Calendar
    • Blog
    • Bookshelf
    • YouTube Channel
    • 12 Step Fellowships

Spotlight on Recovery Resources and Inspiration

This month I am introducing a resource found in a Ted Talk called The Sex-Starved Marriage presented by marriage and family therapist, Michele Weiner-Davis M.S.W.

The talk relates to a recent workshop we held at CRR on Healthy Sexuality presented by our Clinical Director, Michelle Mays.  Very well received, we had a full house, many of whom were couples in recovery working on rebuilding their relationships. I heard from many clients that it had a deep impact on the increasing their sexual health. In her TED Talk, Weiner-Davis offers helpful thoughts on both the essential role of sex for connection with a couple, and the functioning of desire and arousal in the human sexual response cycles.

Weiner-Davis argues for the value of sexuality as part of bonding and connection with our spouse or partner. She asserts we are hard wired for connection and that rejection and disconnection hurts the same as physical pain. She addresses issues related to varying sex drives between partners and the impact of the low desire partner which puts the brakes on sexuality for the couple.

Weiner-Davis is not addressing couples dealing with sex addiction, infidelity, and betrayal. I suggest for couples in recovery from sex addiction, her message is valuable but is not applicable for all situations.

At one point, she applies the Nike slogan “Just Do It” to the low desire partner. I want to be careful to say, for a partner of a sex addict it is not appropriate to engage in sex when he or she is not ready or does not feel safe. However, after walking the road of disclosure, processing hurts, voicing pain, seeking forgiveness, and deciding the relationship is worth saving – then restoring healthy sexuality between partners is an important part of finding the connection couples desire and need.

A valuable portion of the video starts at minute 12:50 where Weiner-Davis addresses the human sexual response cycle.  She states desire and arousal do not always occur in the consecutive pattern of desire first and then arousal, as is often assumed.

This is important for both individuals as the channels of arousal have been affected by both trauma and sexual acting out behaviors. Sexually compulsive behaviors involve repeated novel experiences or visuals bringing heightened neurobiological stimulation and response. The sex addict becomes conditioned to this intense “turned-on” feeling prior to sex. In contrast, in a long-term intimate relationship, there is rarely the same rush as occurs during acting out behaviors. When this same intensity is not experienced it can seem easier to withdraw from sex altogether. On the other side, the partner is often struggling with the trauma triggers as she tries to resume being sexual with her partner. Mental images of her spouse previously acting out elicit fight or flight responses. Consequently, couples in recovery can find themselves being non-sexual over the long term.

However, if a couple in recovery learn how to embrace, touch, and caress with intimacy, even if that “turned-on” feeling is not present initially, they may often find that their touch and sensual connection will lead to becoming aroused and they can have positive and even powerful sex with one another.  Not because of the hyper-stimulated objectified thinking of, “you’re so hot-I need you now”, but rather from a feeling of “I love you, and as we are being close sensually I am aroused within that.” Keep this in mind as you watch Weiner-Davis’ Ted Talk to understand the relevance of the sexual response cycle for the recovering couple.

By Cheryl Schenck LPC, CSAT

 

 

 

Filed Under: Healthy Sex, News, Recovering Couples

Sign up to receive blog posts, news and event information.

Email Signup

  • Sexual Addiction
  • Betrayal Trauma
  • Recovering Relationships

Blog & Events

Why We Sherlock, Part 1

Yes, I did. I just turned Sherlock into a verb. Someone slap a trademark on that for me, … [Read More...]

CRR Blog is Moving

You may have noticed that there is not much being posted here on the Center for Relational Recovery … [Read More...]

Resisting The Temptation To Isolate After Betrayal

In the aftermath of betrayal, it can be tempting to isolate – curling into yourself and hiding away … [Read More...]

Setting Realistic Expectations After Betrayal

In the aftermath of betrayal, your body and mind are struggling with an ongoing trauma response. As … [Read More...]

The Cheating Partner’s Moment of Truth

Two things motivate change in human beings: fear and desire. After the crisis of betrayal, fear is … [Read More...]

Center for Relational Recovery

(571) 442-1898

Leesburg Location
201 Liberty St. SW
Leesburg, VA 20175

New Client Forms
Email Signup
Search Website

© Copyright 2016 Center for Relational Recovery. All Rights Reserved.
Small Business Websites by 5.12 Design Lab • Admin
Terms Of Use • Privacy Policy

Center for Relational Recovery offers the information on this website, inclusive of but not limited to text, images and other material, for informational purposes only. This information should not be taken as advice or specific treatment recommendations; nor should it be used under any circumstances for diagnostic purposes. You are encouraged to make any health-related decisions in consultation with your qualified health care provider. Treatment results may vary from person to person.

▲