Educating yourself about betrayal is just like everything else in the healing process: a marathon not a sprint. Nevertheless, many of the betrayed partners I treat tell me almost immediately that they have read everything there is to read about sexual addiction and partner trauma, and they know all there is to know about these topics. I do believe that they have read a lot, but I do not believe … [Read more...]
Getting Educated, Part 1: Pace Yourself Sweetheart
When I was in graduate school we had to go on a day-long silent retreat. I was just beginning to understand that my spouse was dealing with sexual addiction, and I was trying to find material to read that might help me get my head around this fact. At that time, there were very few books for betrayed partners to choose from, but I finally found one. At the retreat, instead of meditating, … [Read more...]
March Recommended Reading
Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl Psychiatrist Viktor Frankl's memoir has riveted generations of readers with its descriptions of life in Nazi death camps and its lessons for spiritual survival. Between 1942 and 1945 Frankl labored in four different camps, including Auschwitz, while his parents, brother, and pregnant wife perished. Based on his own experience and the experiences of … [Read more...]
Getting Triggered
Recently I was sitting in a group for partners of sex addicts, and over and over again the women kept referring to being “triggered.” They sprinkled that word throughout their conversation and feedback to one another, and they all knew what they were talking about…to some degree. To another degree, they were completely missing their own and one another’s experience. Betrayed partners tend to … [Read more...]
February Recommended Reading
The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wired By Daniel J. Siegel One of the very best scientific predictors for how any child turns out—in terms of happiness, academic success, leadership skills, and meaningful relationships—is whether at least one adult in their life has consistently shown up for them. In an age of scheduling demands … [Read more...]
The Bus Crash of Betrayal
For many betrayed partners it can feel unbelievable that in the aftermath of being cheated on, lied to, betrayed and traumatized you are now being asked to go to therapy, attend a support group or engage in a treatment program of some kind. Here are some of the things I have had partners say to me: “I didn’t do anything wrong. Why do I have to go therapy?” “Its not fair that because of … [Read more...]
January Recommended Reading
Help. Her. Heal. by Carol Juergensn Sheets and Allan J. Katz Carol Juergenen Sheets and Allan J. Katz have created a workbook/roadmap for rebuilding relationships damaged by sexual addiction and other forms of infidelity. With a focus on empathy – understanding what the betrayed partner is feeling; the exercises in this guidebook will help sex addicts rebuild lost trust and intimacy. This is a … [Read more...]
December Recommended Readings
State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity by Ester Perel “Betrayal hurts but it can also be healed” Ester Perel writes. Perel has traveled the globe learning all she can about the time-honored, universally forbidden but also universally practiced taboo we call infidelity. What does it exactly mean? Why does betrayal hurt so much? Why does betrayal happen even in seemingly happy marriages? Is it … [Read more...]
November Recommended Readings
It Didn’t Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle by Mark Wolyn The latest scientific research is now supporting what many have hypothesized; traumatic experiences can be passed down through generations. Mark Wolyn offers a pragmatic and prescriptive approach to his method called the “Core Language Approach” and helps you uncover the fears and … [Read more...]
October Recommended Reading
Neglect-The Silent Abuser: How to Recognize and Heal from ChildhoodNeglect by Enod Gray Neglect, often a hidden issue, can cause problems with trust, relationships, depression, addictions, anxiety, and a generalized feeling of not "being enough." Neglect, The Silent Abuser helps the reader recognize neglect and provides eleven solution steps to heal from the effects of it. The Attachment Effect: … [Read more...]
September Recommended Reading
She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Ian Kerner Ian Kerner, an evangelist of the female orgasm and sex therapist, believes that the secret to a woman's arousal process is to become "cliterate" and to master the art of oral sex. This fun and informative book is a "virtual encyclopedia of female pleasure". Unveil the mystery of female satisfaction and bring more … [Read more...]
Foreboding Joy
This post was originally published on PartnerHope.com Recently, I was listening to an audio recording of Brené Brown, Ph.D. As many of you know, she researches and speaks about issues of shame, vulnerability and wholehearted living. In this recording, she was discussing what she calls “foreboding joy.” “Foreboding” is not a word we hear all that often, so I looked it up in the dictionary. I … [Read more...]
August Recommended Reading
Sexual Alarm System: Women’s Unwanted Response to Sexual Intimacy and How to Overcome It by Judith Leavitt Women are socialized from a young age that their sexuality is something that puts them in danger. This Sexual Alarm system can be a helpful survival tool but can also interfere with a woman's ability to be sexual when she wants to be. Judith Leavitt explains how the Alarm functions, how it … [Read more...]
MUSINGS ON THE SEX AFTER BETRAYAL INTENSIVE
In June we held the first Sex After Betrayal: Reclaiming Your Sexual Self therapy intensive. It was a transformative five days of learning, growing, stretching, hoping and risking. As we wrapped up our time together and I reflected on all that had happened, there were several things that struck me. Below are some of my musings as a result of spending time with the amazing group of women who … [Read more...]
The Dynamic Multi-Dimensional Nature of Betrayal Trauma
Female hand pushing dominoes on grey background In my previous two posts, we deepened our understanding of complex trauma, primarily focusing on the fact that when relational betrayal occurs, the resulting complex trauma often manifests as emotional dysregulation and/or relational disconnection. In this post, we turn our attention to exploring the dynamic, multi-dimensional aspects of betrayal … [Read more...]
Podcast Interview with Rob Weiss LCSW, CSAT on Understanding Complex Betrayal Trauma
I recently had the opportunity to be interviewed by Rob Weiss LCSW, CSAT-S on his podcast called Sex, Love and Addiction 101. We talked about working with betrayed partners, explored the reasons why betrayed partners were pathologized early on by the addiction treatment field and defined complex betrayal trauma. To listen go to http://bit.ly/2CksnVZ. … [Read more...]
The Aftermath of Betrayal
Nothing can prepare you for the moment you discover that the person closest to you, the person you count on the most, has betrayed you. If you have experienced betrayal, you need help navigating the emotional devastation that follows. And, even more importantly, you need hope. The Aftermath of Betrayal, is intended to help you identify and articulate the experience you are having. To give you … [Read more...]
Podcast Episode “How To Navigate Through Betrayal Trauma” Featuring Michelle Mays
Every month we bring your way ideas and information on resources, media, or tools to be inspirational, motivating, or helpful in your recovery journey. This month I am recommending another excellent podcast called, “Sexual Addiction: Strength/Hope/Recovery,” by Carol the Coach. Not only is it a great place to get relevant information about recovery, this month our very own Michelle Mays … [Read more...]
Becoming the Hero of Your Betrayal Story
Life often presents us with unsought challenges that almost always have a hidden possibility within them. This hidden possibility is the call that the crisis presents us with – a call to leave what is known and familiar and move toward the unknown and unfamiliar. By accepting that the crisis in front of us is about more than just surviving, we step into a journey that takes us through new … [Read more...]
Sex After Betrayal Intensive
Because healing your sexual self can feel daunting, because it creates uncomfortable feelings of sadness, shame, blame, guilt, pain, and fear, because it involves risk, because it is a movement out of the familiar and into the unknown, you may be tempted to take a passive approach. Being passive is not intentional. It happens because it is the default option. It is easier to just keep going along … [Read more...]
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