Two things motivate change in human beings: fear and desire. After the crisis of betrayal, fear is what initially motivates and drives the process of change. However, to achieve long-term transformation, a person’s motivation must eventually shift from fear to desire. Over the past two weeks, we have talked about both avoiding and allowing the moment of truth in your relationship with your … [Read more...]

For most partners who are waiting to see if it is possible to stay in their relationship, there is a period after the discovery of betrayal when they expend enormous amounts of energy pushing for change and monitoring the behaviors of their cheating partner. At some point, however, it is important that the primary energy behind recovery and repair of the relationship comes from the cheating … [Read more...]

Have you caught yourself, even months after the discovery of betrayal, snooping and spying and checking on your cheating partner? It’s likely that you have, and this behavior may be warranted if you have evidence that your significant other is still lying and cheating. We will talk about that situation another time. What I want to talk about today is an alternate scenario where your cheating … [Read more...]

We live in a culture that does not approve of big feelings. We don’t approve of little feelings very much either. All the feelings that we have are supposed to be kept neatly tucked out of site. In fact, men aren't supposed to have feelings at all. And if you are female, you have likely been conditioned to make room for your male partner’s feelings and to caretake him while keeping your feelings … [Read more...]

Let’s talk about what you, as a betrayed partner, have a right to know about and be involved in when it comes to the unfaithful individual’s healing process. This topic can be very confusing for a lot of partners. For instance, you may have a spouse who is participating in a 12-Step program who keeps telling you, “You are not supposed to be in my program. You need to stay on your side of the … [Read more...]

Educating yourself about betrayal is just like everything else in the healing process: a marathon not a sprint. Nevertheless, many of the betrayed partners I treat tell me almost immediately that they have read everything there is to read about sexual addiction and partner trauma, and they know all there is to know about these topics. I do believe that they have read a lot, but I do not believe … [Read more...]

When I was in graduate school we had to go on a day-long silent retreat. I was just beginning to understand that my spouse was dealing with sexual addiction, and I was trying to find material to read that might help me get my head around this fact. At that time, there were very few books for betrayed partners to choose from, but I finally found one. At the retreat, instead of meditating, … [Read more...]

Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E.  Frankl Psychiatrist Viktor Frankl's memoir has riveted generations of readers with its descriptions of life in Nazi death camps and its lessons for spiritual survival. Between 1942 and 1945 Frankl labored in four different camps, including Auschwitz, while his parents, brother, and pregnant wife perished. Based on his own experience and the experiences of … [Read more...]

Recently I was sitting in a group for partners of sex addicts, and over and over again the women kept referring to being “triggered.” They sprinkled that word throughout their conversation and feedback to one another, and they all knew what they were talking about…to some degree. To another degree, they were completely missing their own and one another’s experience. Betrayed partners tend to … [Read more...]

For many betrayed partners it can feel unbelievable that in the aftermath of being cheated on, lied to, betrayed and traumatized you are now being asked to go to therapy, attend a support group or engage in a treatment program of some kind. Here are some of the things I have had partners say to me: “I didn’t do anything wrong. Why do I have to go therapy?” “Its not fair that because of … [Read more...]

I recently had the opportunity to be interviewed by Rob Weiss LCSW, CSAT-S on his podcast called Sex, Love and Addiction 101. We talked about working with betrayed partners, explored the reasons why betrayed partners were pathologized early on by the addiction treatment field and defined complex betrayal trauma. To listen go to http://bit.ly/2CksnVZ.     … [Read more...]